I don’t often post this sort of thing – and this is a familiar collection to anyone with email – but I had to chuckle my way through these:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
13. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
16. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
17. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
20. It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
21. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
22. There is a very fine line between “hobby ” and “mental illness”.
23. People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.
24. You should not confuse your career with your life.
25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
26. Never lick a steak knife.
27. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
28. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers and have a sense of humour
29. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.